Done DNFing at Life

I have a confession to make: in the last year, I have let life stress and unhappiness get the best of me. I have been self-medicating with food and drink, and my body has really paid the price for it. Not only have I gained 15 pounds, but I have had some of my poorest athletic performance since I started running. Out of three races I have entered this year, I have failed to make the distance I signed up for in each of them: Steep Ravine (25k/50k); Miwok (50k/100k); Golden Gate (30k/50k). In ultras, this is called the Did Not Finish (DNF), and it has become my new norm.

What is more is that a few weeks ago, I decided to make a change, but I didn't really commit to it. I made a plan and proceeded to tell no one about my plan. This lack of accountability meant that I didn't fight for it when my initial momentum faded. So I want this to be different: this time, I want everyone to know about my plan. I want to put my progress out there for all to see.

It's scary to be open about the things that are not working about me. It's scary to admit in a very public way that I have some very bad habits. It is scary to admit that I am not one of those people who can just change these habits through sheer will without forcing myself into some radical accountability.

The Starting State
This is a full-body picture of what I look like right now that was taken in June. According to Strava, I have run only 50 times this year. I have gone from a social drinker to a nightly drinker. I have gone from having a mostly healthy diet to hoovering up anything I want.

The Plan
I have been working on and off with the Handel Group for a number of years now. One of their tools is making promises for actions to take towards a goal, and putting in a consequence if the promise is not adhered to. Here are mine:

(1) Eat only what I know supports my physical and mental health and performance. I know that I do best on a Paleo-style diet, omitting sugar, grains, and dairy from my diet. My plan is to eat this way 90% of the time with the option of one "free" meal a week. I will be posting my food to my new Twitter account (@badassmrg). Consequence: if I cheat on this plan, I have to re-tweet something from Donald Trump to both Twitter accounts (@MGreenePhD is my professional account).

(2) Ramping down my drinking. This week, I will have no more than 1 drink a day. Next week, I will have no more than 4x/week. Week after that, 2x/week, and then 1x/week from there on out. Consequence: if I cheat on this plan, I have to re-tweet something from Donald Trump to both Twitter accounts.

(3) I will run at least one mile a day at least six days a week. I will post all workouts to Strava and @badassmrg. Consequence: I do not get to watch The Daily Show until I have done my workout.

(4) I will follow my Gymnastics Bodies strength program 3 days a week and stretching program 3 days a week. Consequence: I do not get to watch The Daily Show until I have done my workout.

If you are reading this, thank you in advance for your support. It means the world to me!

Thoughts on my first two weeks of training

I'm taking the time on my Friday rest-day to reflect on how my marathon training has gone for the last two weeks.

Highlights:
- Getting to train on the Boston Marathon course last week to align my efforts with my dreams.
- Watching the live stream of the marathon while doing my long run on the treadmill. Very inspiring.
- Wednesday, I did 12 1-minute hill repeats at the Dish. This was great mental training as well as physical. I got very well-acquainted with really having nothing more to give after 9 repeats, but kept at it, recovering when I could. I finished the workout tired, but proud. :)

Moving forward:
This training has been more demanding than I first thought, but I'm confident that I'm moving in the right direction. My morning pulse rate has been decreasing, and my heart rate variability has been increasing, indicating that my body lapping up the work and eager for more.

My plan

So, as I wrote in my introduction, I have some big, audacious goals that I want to accomplish this year! Goals without a plan are merely daydreams, so what am I doing to get to where I want to be? I've been crafting a training a diet plan this week, keeping in mind everything that's worked well, and everything that was a failed experiment in my running to date. I've identified a few principles that have guided my plan:

Principle #1: It doesn't matter how "fit" I am in training if I get to the start line injured. 
Staying healthy is my first priority. Fortunately, I'm already pretty good at this. I have been running for 12 years, and have only had two injuries that have forced me to take a week or more off of running. What did I learn from these injuries that has kept them from happening again?
1. It's really important to vary my training surfaces. I developed extreme IT band tightness in 2003 from training almost exclusively on a track, running in a single direction. This caused asymmetry and imbalance of my large muscles. Now, I try to train on both roads and trails, treadmills and the track.
2. Start where I am, not where I think I should be. As I wrote earlier, I was sidelined for part of my Boston marathon training when I took a 16-mile practice run too hard and on icy conditions. I was so eager to show my fellow charity runners what a badass runner I was, that I ran faster than I could maintain good form. Good running form is critical.

Other things that I will keep in mind to keep myself healthy as I increase mileage and intensity:
1. Strength is key. Say what you will about Dean Karnazes, but I agree with him that overall fitness and strength also is key to preventing injury.
2. I can get more leverage from my training through micro-periodization based on heart-rate variability. Heart-rate variability (variability in the interval between successive heart beats) is correlated with athletic recovery. In the spirit of starting where I am, and working with my body rather than against it, my training on any given day will be informed by my heart-rate variability that morning. If my HRV has dropped, then I will reschedule a hard workout for another day.

Principle #2: Quality over quantity and the minimally effective dose
I've noticed in my running career that I run best when I'm not running mega-mileage. I used to brag about 80-mile weeks, but the truth is that I wasn't getting better when I ran this mileage, but actually progressively getting worse by digging myself into a hole of adrenal fatigue. On the other hand, my last two PRs have been after training only 20-30 miles per week. Note that I don't recommend this for everyone, and that my lifetime of mileage probably allows me to get away with this. Of course, to run 100 miles (to qualify for Western States), I'll need more of a base than this, but I am still approaching my training with more emphasis on quality runs that will increase my endurance, strength and VO2max.

Principle #3: When it comes to diet, it's garbage-in, garbage-out
I was a vegetarian for about 15 years, and I didn't notice that I really felt low-grade lousy most of the time. Again, this is me and my experience, and there are certainly amazing runners like Scott Jurek who are completely vegan. In the last year or so, I've changed my diet to be more of a paleo-style template, and have felt much better. In particular, I used to never feel fully recovered in my running, but now I rarely feel sore for long after a race or workout. It's also given me more of an awareness about how particular foods make me feel.

That said, I struggle with wanting to eat the things that make me feel lousy and don't support my training goals: cookies, banana bread, cocktails and beer. From my experience of having struggled with eating disorders, I can also easily adopt all-or-none thinking that puts more further away from my goals. Therefore, my approach to diet is going to be more of a mindset shift away from "diet thinking" and towards being mindful of the following question: Is this high-quality fuel that will support my training goals? I love Eric Orton's approach to this. In this book, he writes "To me, the question of nutrition in more about mind-set: with the commitment to becoming an athlete, and living as an athlete, comes the sense that you will live with awareness. That includes awareness of what you put in your mouth". He goes on not to recommend any particular dogma about eating, but rather to make the best choices.

Principle #4: Mastering my mind is as important as mastering my body
My internal states and internal chatter mean so much here. I had excellent preparation for the Boston marathon, yet let my negative feelings drag me down. Conversely, I had no specific expectations about last year's Chicago marathon other than finishing, and got a 3 minute PR from a previous PR where I had similarly little prep, but had the mental plan of keeping my heart rate in a good aerobic zone until mile 19, and then letting it fly on the downhills. My new challenge will be keeping my goal in mind, keeping myself believing that my goal is possible, and staying out of my own way!

So, putting this all together, my specific plan involves the following:
1. Eric Orton's marathon training plan for the SF marathon and the Chicago marathon.
I love his approach, and his 50-mile plan got me through the NF50 in 2012. Each time I follow one of his plans, I get stronger, faster and leaner while avoiding overtraining.
2. Strength training.
In addition to the foot strengthening in the marathon plan, 4 days a week I will be doing bodyweight and plyometric exercises. The idea here is to increase overall athleticism, mobility and balance. This increases VO2max, prevents injury and improves running economy.
3. A radical shift in diet.
I used to use my running as an excuse to eat anything I wanted. "Oh, I ran 20 miles today. I totally deserve to go out for pizza and beer". But except for a few adolescent males, you can't out-exercise a crappy diet. A second excuse of mine is the 80-20 rule: if I eat exceptionally well 80% of the time, then I can totally kick up my heels 20%, right? Maybe some people can, but my body is the way it is right now because of this thinking. And especially when 20% turns into 25% and then 30%, we start getting into some real trouble! So, right now I am calling done on all of the things that don't support my health and my training. Because I am sensing real reluctance in myself about this part of the plan, and because I know that this part will be so essential to my success, I will be using this blog to post what I've been eating as a method of accountability.
4. Mindfulness training
I am going to train my mind like I train my body, so that I can be able to get outside of my own negative thoughts, and to encourage positive thoughts that support my goals.

100 days until the San Francisco marathon! Let's do this!!

Running Heartbreak Hill

I’m staying in Boston this week, about a half mile from the Boston marathon course. I took a run today in the famous Newton hills, ending at the top of Heartbreak Hill. It was raining heavily, and this matched my somber mood as I recalled that today is the one-year anniversary of the marathon bombings. Running along the course on this day solidified my passion for my goal of qualifying for the Boston marathon.

I recalled my 2008 Boston marathon race during that section of the course. This was during miles 16-21, and I was suffering. I really did everything wrong in this race. I was running this race for charity, and I had the brilliant dream of using this opportunity to get my own Boston qualifying time, at Boston. I should have realized at the start line that this goal was not in the realm of realistic given my training season. Despite making an airtight plan for training, life showed me that I can’t always hold to these plans. First, I went out too hard on icy roads early in training and suffered a foot injury, the only significant injury of my running career. Then, my mother became ill. While she was hospitalized for cancer treatment, she had a stroke. I spent a good deal of time in their city during this time supporting the family. So, I went into the marathon with less-than-optimal training. 

My bigger problems came closer to race day when I refused to scale my goals according to reality. My goal was sub-3:40:59 or else. As I retrieved my race packet during the Expo, I started freaking out about whether my shoes were too worn, and bought another pair. Of course, only newbies wear a brand-new pair of shoes on marathon day, but I convinced myself that if I wore the shoes around the house the day before I would be fine. I also accepted some “herbal anti-inflammatory” samples that I took before the start of the race. Bigger mistake. The first rule of marathoning is “nothing new on race day”, and I had broken it not once with new shoes, but twice with these random pills.

My third race-day problem was in my head. My first 3-4 miles went fine, but then I stopped making my “ideal” 8-minute-mile splits around mile 5, and I started losing my confidence. I started feeling every uncomfortable feeling in my brand-new shoes, and started wondering whether I should stop to adjust my socks. I started feeling uncomfortable rumblings in my belly, and worried about what they might mean. My heart started beating harder with the stress of the possibility of not making the goal that I just HAD to make. Our feelings determine our reality, and as I felt worse about my performance, I actually felt worse in real life. 

And that’s when those “herbal anti-inflammatories” kicked in, making me incredibly nauseated. I lost my lunch (and the rest of my confidence) at miles 13 and 15, and hit these hills in Newton feeling defeated. I left an incoherent voicemail for my boyfriend (now husband) who was going to meet me at the finish line, telling him that even though I thought I’d be there by now, that things were not going according to plan.

…

It’s funny to look back now, and see how I’ve changed as a runner and a person. These hills used to seem onerous, but are now no big deal now that I live in San Francisco and run on steep mountain trails. I’ve also matured mentally. In fact, my last two PRs have come from races where I have no specific plan except for having the best possible time. As I construct my plan, I see how important it is to keep my self-talk fun and positive. The current trick is this: how do I have all of the planning and dreaming that went into this 2008 race with the zen acceptance that has lead to my recent PRs? How do I hold onto a dream, but not so tightly it suffocates?

The first post - where I am and why

Hi, my name is Michelle and I've been a freak about my body image for as long as I can remember. I am now 32 years old, and it's time to grow up. My goal for this blog is to illustrate my journey towards loving myself and transforming my body into it's highest potential.

This is what I look like right now. I am 5'2'' and weigh 150 pounds.

I have very few memories before I started hating my body. My mother and grandmother put me on my first diet (consisting of being allowed only to snack on carrots and celery) when I was in kindergarten. I remember going from not being aware of bodies to being hyper aware of how people looked. I realized that my grandmother (a devotee of Weight Watchers at the time) had a bit of a gut too. She did not appreciate me telling her so.

Shortly after starting the 2nd grade, other children started noticing my body too, and this began the first of many years of being teased for my size. The gym teacher I had was particularly cruel, singling me out as an example of non-fitness, and making me smell my own shoes when she smelled something off about someone in the class. (It wasn't me, but everyone loves to blame the fat person).

I started my own dieting in earnest in the 8th grade. It turns out that I was really good at it at first, and the more success I had in losing weight, the better people liked me, the better my life got, and so the harder I tried at dieting. At some point, it got unsustainable. I would wake up at 4 or 5 in the morning, and workout until 7, and then eat my one meal of the day (grape nuts cereal). I obsessed over drinking tons of water, and was often passing out from hunger and probably borderline hyponatrenia.

When I went to college, I decided I wanted to get better. I went to a college out of my home state, and because no one knew that I was a food freak, decided to eat like all of the other college freshmen. I went from 100-150 pounds that year.

Unhappy about my size, I started running even though I hated it as a kid (recall evil gym teacher). After my first 4-mile walk-jog, I was so proud that I could go that distance that I made the goal for myself to run the LA marathon, which I did in 2002. I was so incredibly proud after the race. I went around campus, looking at all of the size 0 women and thought that they might be smaller than me, but my body could do things theirs could not.

Since then, I've run 7 more marathons and a few ultra-marathons. I am particularly proud of finishing the North Face Endurance Challenge in 2012 in heavy rain, after I had failed to run 50 miles two other times before.

But my weight has crept back up, and I've not been great about dealing with it. I oscillate back and forth between ultra-strict diets and gorging on everything in sight. So, as I said, I'm ready to grow up. My goals for my life, and for this blog, out for the world to know are:

1. I want to achieve my dream of qualifying for the Boston Marathon this year.
I went to grad school in the Boston area, and ran the Boston Marathon for charity in 2008. Each of the years I lived in Boston, I watched the marathon, and it was a big deal in my life. In fact, even though I was living in California at the time of the bombings last year, once the news hit, I was bombed with text messages from friends who didn't know that I wasn't there! I want to be back, and to run to show the world that Boston is Strong, and that I am strong.

2. Qualify for Western States
Although I am technically an ultramarathoner (because I have completed races longer than 26.2 miles), I don't feel like a full member of the tribe. Western States is considered to be one of the most famous (if not prestigious race) in the ultramarathon community. What do I have to do to get there? Either finish a 100 mile run, or a 100k race (about 62 miles) in under 16 hours. In other words, I need to be able to finish a race twice as long as the longest run I have ever done.

These are big and audacious goals. My current marathon PR is 4:41:xx, so I need to take off at least 1 hour and 6 minutes to qualify for Boston. In other words, I need to improve by about 25%. I feel like this is the right move for me because I get the most inspired by my wildest dreams, such as finishing that first marathon, or going to graduate school at a little tech school in Cambridge. I'm keeping this blog both as a record of my journey, and as a means of accountability to myself. If I get any readers, I hope to be an inspiration.

So let's light 'em up!